Let me guess – the moment you read “only child syndrome” three things came into your mind – a kid who’s lonely, spoiled, and is the center of their parent’s attention.
I’m writing this article from the perspective of an only child, and trust me when I say, those may sound stereotypical, but it’s not always true. But before I explain further, here are some of the popular traits of an only child according to several internet resources:
- Spoiled
- Lonely
- Has difficulties in sharing
- Parents have high expectations
- Socially awkward
- Self-centered
- Independent
- Comfortable with adult company
- High self-esteem
Some of the traits above are negative, but keep in mind that we, as only children, just like any other people in every household, don’t have a single personality. Our personalities and values are molded depending on the household and environment we grew up in, including the parents’ parenting style, culture, personal experiences, and choices.
So, being categorized as an only child doesn’t mean that we are defined by the traits listed above.
However, it’s not entirely wrong to assume that growing as an only child will have an impact on personal development.
Here are the reasons why people expect those traits from only children and I’ll compare the stereotypical traits based on my experience as an only child:
1. Spoiled – Being the center of the parent’s attention is quite given, and when you’re the only one and the most precious son/daughter, you can’t blame the parents for seeing their only child as the apple of their eyes. They only have us. With that said, we are treated with extra care. This also leads to being spoiled, where all the things we ask for are easily given.
But hold on – that’s not always the case. I’ll speak from experience – I wouldn’t call myself spoiled. Only children are expected to ask and receive things easily, right? But I wasn’t raised that way. Though I indeed get a lot of attention, or it’s not hard for me to ask for my parent’s time, I was told when I was a kid that not all the things I ask for can be mine. As a kid, I do remember myself asking for toys on separate occasions, but since what I want isn’t always given, I got used to the idea of not asking for a lot of things, thinking that “they’re not going to give it anyway so what’s the point of asking?”
What went wrong on this one is, when I practiced self-control over the things that I wanted, there was a time when my dad asked, “What do you want?” I couldn’t come up with anything, thinking that what I wanted might be something “too much to ask” or “expensive” so I got used to saying, “nothing.” My dad became a bit angry when I responded that way, saying, “Do you think of me as someone incapable of giving you what you want?”
Of course, that’s not my intention, but since I conditioned myself on an extreme level, being silent about the things I wanted became normal.
But one thing I noticed is, that since I’m not asking for a lot of things, I easily get what I want if I ask for something because I rarely express interest in anything. I’d say, being an only child still has its perks. The idea is, for this one, being spoiled is a choice. Some can be raised this way, but it’s up to us if we’ll let our parents spoil us.
2. Lonely – as a child, it’s normal for me to hear, “Isn’t it lonely that you don’t have siblings to play with?” In most cases, it is normal for only children to experience loneliness because we don’t have anyone to play with aside from our parents. If our parents aren’t around to ‘play’ with us, we tend to find company outside the home. Loneliness, just like being spoiled, is a choice. We have an option to find people we can have fun with when we feel lonely such as getting friends, but there are also only children who are extremely introverted and prefer to go home and spend time with their hobbies. It’s about finding ways on how we can we keep ourselves occupied.
3. Has difficulties in sharing – I saw a lot of memes and comedy skits about people featuring only children who aren’t that willing to share. There was this post where the only child had a bag of popcorn, and there was a friend who took some popcorn from her bag and she gave the person ‘the look,’ indicating the discomfort after seeing that.
Honestly, at first, I can relate to this. As a kid, I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my food or the things that I have since I’m not used to it. Now, it’s a choice to give. I share at times, but admittedly, I usually don’t. It’s not because I’m being selfish or I’m not willing, but I can simply put it, “It’s not a part of my system” and it’s nothing personal and done on purpose.
However, I can’t speak for all children, but this trait is, I’d say something that isn’t surprising and we’re usually unconscious about it.
4. Parents have high expectations – Having great achievements academically, being competitive, being great in different aspects of life … yes, this happens and it is usual in families with only children. Nobody can blame the parents for setting high standards, because considering that they only have one child, some parents will want to see the best version of their child can be. But not all parents are strict about making their child an achiever. I have two contradicting examples for this one.
In my experience, my parents never pressured me to have high grades, to be a topnotcher, to be a doctor/lawyer/businesswoman/have master’s or doctorate degrees, etc. They didn’t dictate who I should become, but let me follow what I wanted. Once there was a time I arrived home with the bad news of failing Algebra (this means I have to repeat next semester). I told them about this, but rather than being angry, guess what? They both laughed out loud as if they were expecting that and said, “That’s fine, you can do better next time.”
Isn’t that great? I wasn’t beaten or got scolded. They’re pretty chill about it. Thankfully that only happened once.
My second example is an acquaintance (I won’t be specific on who this is).
The daughter in that rich family was pressured to study in the prestigious schools and universities in our country, which are known as schools only meant for smart people and academic achievers.
This person somehow managed to survive the challenges in grade school and high school academies, but when she reached college, the pressure struck her mentally.
To make the long story short, this person went through depression and had suicide attempts because of the pressure from her parents, and she didn’t manage to finish college. I have no idea what happened next because I lost contact with this person, but this is the extreme side of forcing a child to be an achiever. Instead of letting someone enjoy their childhood (like I have), being forced to be a high achiever cost her sanity.
I believe not all families with only children have this extreme scenario, but the point is, there’s a sad side of being an only child where some parents want to see their dreams come true with their child.
But then again, it’s not always the case in all families.
5. Socially awkward – Finally, the most realistic trait. Social skills can be developed over the years, but when an only child gets too used to spending time alone, being awkward around people is far from surprising.
I’ve been here too, but it demands to have the willingness to expand the world by being friendly and letting people in our lives.
For many years I’ve been an introvert, but when I turned 28, I decided to exert efforts and make my social circle wider to meet, learn, and spend time with people rather than being picky about having “quality friends” alone.
6. Self-centered – Some people believe that our individualistic approach in life is read as self-centeredness because we tend to prioritize our own needs over others. While that is true for some, it doesn’t mean that we don’t care about others. Similar to having difficulties in sharing, we’re simply not used to it. However, just like the other bad traits, it’s something that can be changed. (I sound defensive, but yes, I’m guilty of being selfish at times. But I did mention on this post how I’m dealing with selfishness.)
7. Independent – Only children are usually independent and self-reliant, and it’s true that we often solve problems on our own. I mean, this is something obvious. Unless we have someone we can always approach, we have no choice but to do things our way and figure something out. This will vary depending on the only child’s style in handling problems. Some are dependent on their parents.
In my case, I like solving things on my own, seeing and exploring what works and what doesn’t. It challenges my skills and abilities, and I get a sense of accomplishment when I deal with things on my own. Somehow, I’d say that I wouldn’t ask for help unless I knew that I could no longer do it.
As someone with a strong and independent personality, at times, it causes burnout too because part of me wants to depend on others too, but I’m not used to it.
8. Comfortable with the adult company – This is not always true, but there’s an expectation that we spend more time around adults (such as aunts, uncles, and grandparents) than children our age unless we go out of course. We have fewer opportunities to talk to people around our age unless we’re in school or at work, but this depends on the kind of household the only child grew up in.
In my case, I find it easier to get along with people older than me than the younger ones. Admittedly, even if I’m the youngest in the Millennial generation (I’m a 1996 kid), I find it difficult to relate to the interests of those who are younger than me (Gen Z, Gen Alpha).
I enjoy the company of those older than me because I learn deep stuff that makes sense to me, such as knowing their experiences and how that developed them as a person. Somehow, I noticed that the generations I mentioned above are quite shallow and too sensitive (sorry, this is just an honest opinion, but I know they’re not meant to be generalized for people who are different).
When communicating with people younger than me, it demands us to “meet halfway” to come up with conversations that I’ll appreciate. It depends. But for this 8th trait, I relate to it.
9. High self-esteem – We’re expected to have high self-esteem because the ideal scenario people can imagine is, that we’re given all the love a child will need, we receive praise and appreciation from our parents to those with siblings because some parents will tend to compare which among their kids is better and who’s not.
That can be true, but in my case, I experienced having very low self-esteem because I was bullied in school and I believed my classmates’ lies about me being fat and ugly (that’s another story that I’d rather not discuss, it’s all in the past anyway).
Now, I have high self-esteem because I managed to know my worth as I grew up. High self-esteem isn’t instant for all only children.
Overall, those are the realities I can share with my experience as an only child. The traits expected from us vary, so let’s not generalize people. One common question that I get as an only child is – “Was there ever a time when you wanted to have siblings?”
Only children will have different answers to that question. I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with someone, but if I were to have a sibling, I’d prefer to have an older brother I can depend on.
Of course, that’s not gonna happen because I was born first, and I learned to be satisfied with not having siblings. I got used to it, and I just learned to be grateful for the things that I have rather than stress about something I don’t have.
Whether you grew up with siblings or none – there are always pros and cons. But it’s always up to the person if they choose to be satisfied or complain about it.
Being an only child can be lonely, yes, but there are always ways to fill the void – and being an only child doesn’t mean we’re always meant to be alone.
We just need to choose to let people in our lives, and that’s what makes things beautiful.
